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There are some long-running gags that are so ubiquitous on the
web that it is impossible to say who invented them. I've been
trying to hunt down the author of a series of "How did the
Chicken Cross the Road" jokes for a while now and I can't
trace their original source. They can be found - to give just
a few examples - at Mike
Reddel's site, some
guy called Hoselton's site, Flyfoxy,
This
Strife and Just2Good,
so if the original author wants to sue everyone who's plagiarised
the idea there'll be a lot of work for the lawyers to sort out.
Here are various gleanings from teh intraweb plus few new variations
cooked up either by me or by some other chickenologists (credits
at the bottom of the page):
AMD Athlon Chicken:
Provided you bolt on a big fan, this chicken will beat all the Intel
chickens to the other side. For 3D multiplayer chicken-action, there
really is no alternative...
 Assembler
Chicken:
First it builds the road ...
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer
to it on the other side.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in
liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fried.
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other
side.
DOS Chicken:
Too busy carrying the entire weight of the Win95 chicken on its
back to cross the road. And even if it did, no one would admit it
was there.
Dotcom Boom Chicken*:
Gets hundreds of millions of dollars for its road-crossing project
but when it gets to the kerb it trips and falls in the gutter and
breaks its neck.
Firstclass Chicken***:
Started to cross the road but was diverted. Ended up crossing 27
other roads before getting back to first road. Got diverted again.
(Repeat until TMA is due)
All attempts by the Firstclass chicken to cross the road have been
unapproved by the moderator. Any chickens who wish to cross the
road should use the private underpasses.
FORTRAN Chicken:
Has all the velocities and vectors for crossing the road already
defined. If you are an aerospace engineer you might be able to get
the FORTRAN Chicken to actually fly across the road.
Freeware Chicken:
Same as the Shareware Chicken, but with a more realistic approach.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
IBM Chicken:
The original IBM Chicken was too slow and too expensive to make
crossing the road practical, so IBM allowed everyone else to clone
its chicken, hoping that the cloners would eventually go out of
business. They didn't, and now the IBM Chicken is more like a clone
of a clone of a clone of the clones of itself. Every year they hold
a Special Olympics for the IBM Chicken so it can cross the road
too.
Intel Pentium Chicken:
The chicken crossed 1.9999978 times.
Intel Pentium 4 Chicken:
This chicken crosses the road one tiny step at a time. Who cares
if it now takes 4.6 million steps to get to the other side? At 3.2GHz,
it's still a faster chicken, right?
Iomega Chicken:
The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download
one (called a chicklet) to the other side.
or...
Java Chicken*:
Can cross any road anywhere at any time but when it gets to the
other side it has always turned into a duck.
Linux Chicken:
Same as the Unix Chicken but it's free, although unsupported. To
find out why the Linux chicken failed to cross the road, you will
have to email some guy in Iceland with more dots in his email address
than there are stars in the universe.
or....
Linux Chicken*:
It's not compatible with the road but that's only because the road
is not a real road - it's a winroad. Although there are plenty of
cars on the road, there are no drivers available.
Lotus Chicken:
Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!
(IBM can't get anyone to buy this chicken, 'cause it's so dumb;
it can't even find the road. So they tend to give it away with rubbish
hardware.)
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road,
so there's no way to tell it to.
Macromedia Flash Chicken*:
5% of the road crossed. Please wait...
10% of the road crossed. Please wait...
15% of the road crossed. Please wait...
<Skip Intro>
Microsoft Chicken:
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
M206 Smalltalk Chicken*:
Chicken1 side: other
Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it
across the road in your pocket!
NT4 Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. You
may need to install several service packs if you want it to cross
a big road. Oh, sorry, Microsoft don't support this chicken any
more.
OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that
nobody noticed. You may have trouble getting a native OS/2 chicken
across the road due to poor driver availability.
Pocket PC Chicken*:
chicken
SCO Chicken*:
Points to some dried-up chicken crap it left there in 1997 as evidence
that it owns the road. Demands payment from all drivers passing.
Gets run over by big truck driven by man from Finland.
Shareware Chicken:
If you use the Shareware Chicken to cross the road you are encouraged
to send 15.00 dollars...
T171 Chicken****:
The T171 chicken is the one that tells you about the history of
the road and then asks you to build one.
TCP/IP Chicken:
Grinds the Chicken up into byte size packets, ships each one separately
by the fastest possible route to the other side of the road and
then re-assembles the Chicken.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
If you must know, this chicken exists in a superposition of quantum
states that includes both sides of the road until its wave function
collapses in an apoplectic fit over hearing, yet again, this stupid
question. This chicken crosses the road, on average, half the time
and its speed is even less certain once you think you've located
it than it was before you asked your snoopy, prying, personal little
question!
Unix Chicken:
Assuming the Unix Chicken has permission to cross the road, it may
go about it in this way: cd /usr/local/dev/chicken/bin/travel/ cr
-o [road] -s [speed] -a [angle] -d [debug] -l [logfile] | [destination
side] -v [verbose]. When the Unix Chicken's process is complete
you may find out why it failed by looking in: /usr/local/dev/chicken/spool/crossings/errlog/ch10356723.x.out.
VB Chicken:
USHighways !< TheRoad.cross(aChicken)
Viral Chicken*:
Thanks to new zebra crossings designed by microsoft, 50% or all
the roads in the world were being crossed by this chicken within
15 minutes of it hatching out of the egg.
W3C Chicken**:
Everybody knew it was a good idea for the chicken to cross the road
but nobody wanted to help it get to the other side
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Because there are so many different routes to get to the other side,
it's doubtful that the chicken will ever find it's way.
Windows 95 Chicken:
You see different coloured feathers while it crosses, but cook it
and it still tastes like ... chicken. In fact, the Win95 Chicken
can cross any given road in eleven different ways, not counting
the use of wizards who will actually cross the road for the chicken.
If you can remember all eleven ways, you can become a Microsoft
Certified Poultry Specialist (MCPS). If you come up with new way
for the Windows 95 Chicken to cross the road, you can become a Microsoft
Certified Solution Provider (MCSP). But if you come up with a whole
new chicken altogether, then you will become a Microsoft Certified
Enemy (MSROADKILL).
Windows 98 Chicken:
It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.
Windows ME Chicken*:
It's not a chicken at all; it's a turkey...
Windows Media Player Chicken*****:
Shows passing drivers pretty visualisations but won't cross the
road without a new codec.
WinXP Chicken*:
It got a nasty case of bird flu and had to be destroyed and replaced
by a linux chicken.
Winzip Chicken*:
chckn
Word HTML Chicken*:
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Credits:
* = Me
** = Jason Tait
*** = Tim Collins/Kieran Ruddy
**** = Hilary Albutt
***** = Diggory Carter
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